Last week, I caught my two supervisors looking uncharacteristically tired. Concerned, I asked them, what was up? Jenny just groaned. Alice explained. “Me and Jenny Teacher stayed out until 3 AM yesterday.” It was a Wednesday and these are women who are typically asleep by 10:30. I was very confused. “Party, party?” I asked, palms up like a lecherous old man at a nightclub. Because what other kind of party is there, really? “No, no!” she insisted, “Mr. Yoon asked us to join him for one drink so we went. But he really didn’t want to stop drinking. He kept having more soju but we didn’t want to.” “So you drank with him till 3am!?” “Of course not!” Jenny Teacher chimed in. “We just had cola after the first drink but we couldn’t leave him early because, ah, it would be so rude.” This coming from Korean people, I immediately understood but, at the same time, was entirely baffled. Mr. Yoon is essentially the custodian of our private academy. He’s a hunched-over, string-bean of an old man who regularly creeps around the building, scaring the children and teachers alike with his grouchy, temperamental demeanor. In contrast, my two Korean supervisors are young, energetic people who behave in a friendly and socially acceptable manner, as far as I know. So why in the name of King Sejong would they subject themselves to more than four hours in Mr. Kim’s drunken company on a Tuesday night? Let me introduce you to a unique cultural nuance birthed straight from the bowels of Korean collectivism: In social settings, Koreans are extremely reluctant to be the first person to leave a gathering regardless of how tired, bored, or uncomfortable they might be. The trouble is, Korean gatherings can go on for hours. Broken up into “rounds”, a single night can see you travelling to a coffee shop, dinner, bowling, noraebang, second dinner, a dessert cafe , a pool hall, and finally, to wind it all down, another coffee shop. People will physically drop like flies during one of these 10 hour endeavours, falling asleep on cafe couches or doubled over drunk in the darkness of the singing rooms. Despite all of this, each exhausted member finds the willpower to trudge through the night and make it to the sunrise to disperse with everyone else. There are several reasons why this is a thing. First, in social settings, it’s considered a slight to the host or the person who organized a gathering if you don’t stick around the entire time. Leaving early suggests that you think the events or the present company aren’t fun enough or that you might not be having THE BEST TIME EVER. Second, it’s a work-related outing and the boss is picking up the tab. I’d say it’s also expected in Western companies that you will stay the entire time if a boss or authority figure treats their employees to a dinner or night out. The difference is that it can be taken to the extremes here because of the work hard, play harder culture. If boss man wants to finish a bottle of soju every 10 minutes, prepare to go shot for shot. If he also wants to stay out in Seoul until the trains start up again at 5 AM, you’d better stick around too. Last, social pariah-phobia. This one definitely had a strong influence on my poor supervisors and the situation they found themselves in. Mr. Yoon holds no power really at all in the school hierarchy, but he’s a drinking buddy of the school director. So that apparently gives him a high enough status that demands recognition. If they left and hurt his pride enough that he would mention it to their boss or anyone else at school, there could have been major social and professional repercussions. No irreversible harm came to my supervisors because of their forced night out, mostly just sleepy eyes and an increased need for coffee. But that’s not always the case. South Korea recently made international news because of two high-profile crimes committed against women. The first was a random murder of a young woman in the upscale Gangnam district of Seoul. The suspect claimed he did it because women never paid any attention to him. Aww, male entitlement is really cute right? Especially when it’s lethal. The second involved a young teacher who was gang raped by three men, two of whom were fathers of her students. Nice, huh? An article from the South China Morning Post explained how many teachers in smaller, more remote areas, like the island where this teacher was located, rely heavily on parent support and assistance to run their schools. This makes it harder for them “to refuse when asked to attend dinners, invariably accompanied by drinks” with those parents. In the gang-rape case, the victim was having dinner on her own, planning on an early night so she could have energy to explore the village the next day. The three men joined her and insisted that she drink with them, despite her refusals. When they had gotten her sufficiently inebriated for their needs, they “volunteered” to drive her home and then took turns raping her (The Korea Herald). What happened to this woman was in no way her fault and the guilty parties should probably be castrated - or just locked up for a long time, since medieval punishments aren’t acceptable anymore, even for rapists. However, when I first read about it, my gut reaction was, why didn’t she just not drink? I couldn’t imagine ever being comfortable enough to drink heavily around my students’ parents. Additionally, as a 24-year-old woman, my own society’s broken standards have forced me to accept that until both sexes are educated equally about rape, I will have to protect myself from men. Then I had that conversation with my supervisor and I understood more about how that teacher could have ended up in such a terrible situation. Koreans are very trusting. More so than most other groups of people that I’ve met. A friend of mine left his wallet on a KTX train at 1:30 in the morning. He was able to retrieve it after the train traveled three stations away and back. His bank cards, ID and cash were all still there. That’s very common here. I can see how that trust, so lovely and special most of the time, combined with the social pressure I mentioned before, could override a young woman’s sense of personal safety. Those same things could give a group of men the idea that they are innocent of wrongdoing - even, they would argue, that getting to have sex with this woman was justified, given how much they do for her and her school. Gender equality in Korea is just as screwed up as it is in the U.S. Maybe even more so because of the social pressures that are unique to an eastern society. This country is very safe, despite what you hear about our Northern neighbor and his flirtations with nuclear power. Unfortunately, as it is so for many other countries, half of the population is not as safe as the other. As gender rights progress here, the challenge will be even more difficult for young women and men to change the perspective because they will have to uproot deeply conditioned behaviors that are not only social, but cultural as well. My hope is that my Korean friends will discuss this issue and work towards changing it within their own social circles. I also hope that they continue to party like crazy people into the early morning hours. But if someone wants to leave early, I hope that person will not be embarrassed to go home, especially if their safety is in question.
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1, Miss - Mexican food. Oh sweet, sweet Mexican food. If you gave me three Chipotle burritos and told me that two of the three most certainly had E.Coli I would still take my chances. That's how much I miss la comida perfecta that is Mexican food. The closest we've found here is a restaurant in Hongdae - a foreigner-heavy area of Seoul - called "Vatos Tacos." Tasty, but not quite at the level of what you find in the good old U.S. of A. 2. Don't Miss - Driving. I'm a big fan of public transportation. It's good excercise walking to and from the station, it's cheap (Hullo $3-4 round trip ticket to Seoul from Ansan...the equivalent NOVA to DC would be almost $20 during peak times yes?) and I'm afraid of driving. Before you judge, I have never had an accident so it's not that i'm bad of it, it just really makes me at anxious. I also think that in another life I was a European princess so I prefer to have someone else drive me around. Life goal: get rich enough to make that happen. 3. Miss - Clean air. I never realized how much I took this for granted until I came here. There will be the occasionally smelly dumpster or stinky street corner in D.C., but there is nothing like the odorous adventure of walking through a Korean city. I think it mainly has to do with bad plumbing. Maybe it's everyone pooping out kimchi and really pungent seafood all the time, but it's a very distinct smell that you can't miss, Danny has coined it "KPS" (Korean Poop Smell). It always catches you off-guard too. You'll be cutting through an ally, breathing pretty much odor-free air when WHAM! KPS hits you straight in the nostrils. It's got that effect of one of your own really stinky farts: it's so bad you want to keep smelling but at the same time you feel like you might throw up if you do. The air-quality in general is definitely different. Korea doesn't have a major smog problem like China but that doesn't mean we aren't affected by our southern neighbor's pollution issues. We noticed it more during the warmer months but there will be those occasional days when you look out the window and there is a gritty yellow haze just hanging out. I can't say I feel any immediate physical effects but I have a feeling that when I make it back to the US the difference will be noticeable. So, moral is, love your clean air people. Not everyone in the world is privileged enough to have it. 4. Don't Miss - English. This one actually surprised me. I think, coming from a western culture, I was really intimidated about learning an Asian language. The sounds are so different than our own. Now, after several months of drilling vocab, I'm finally starting to understand some Korean. I got so excited yesterday when one of my students said to my Korean partner teacher, "Chaegi eobsoyo," and I understood that he was saying, "I don't have my book." It's also super satisfying to wield that power of "you don't know how much I know" over my students who think they can say sassy stuff to my face. I never expected to learn Korean well, but now that I'm giving it a try it's something I think I'll stick with. 5. Miss - Bathtubs. For obvious reasons. Baths are magical. Korean apartments are itty bitty so ha ha, bathtubs? Whut? 6. Don't Miss - Bros. Let me tell you a cringe-worthy story that should make you want to go punch a bro-type in the face right now. We're a little isolated from the areas of Seoul that are inundated with Americans, mainly, army guys. So, at times, it's easy to forget that the more embarrassing American stereotypes still exist on this side of the globe. Lest we forget too soon, a pair of personal trainers brought us back to reality one night at the meet-up group where we hang out with both our Korean and international friends. Let's call them Bro 1 and Bro 2. Both were clearly very proud of their overly-buff bodies and assumed that that would automatically grant them a free pass to any Korean woman and her vagina should she be so lucky to speak to them. But, to prove their superior (albeit, fragile) masculinity, they proceeded to challenge every guy in the bar to arm wrestling matches. Face, meet palm. Repeatedly. Over-hearing our friends grumbling that Bro 1 and Bro 2 were from the U.S., Danny and I were quick to jump in and insist that they did not represent Americans and pleasedonotassumethatunderanycircumstances. But the most jarring and frustrating thing that had us both on edge was the way they talked to our Korean friends. They did that annoying thing where they shout and slow down their voices to the point that anything they said came across as condescending and ridiculous. Case in point, our friend was talking to Bro 2, the younger, blonder and dumber one and she mispronounced a word. Jumping to correct her, Bro 2 elongates the word, pinching his fingers in front of her face as he says it and makes her repeat it like she's a naughty child. Then he asks her for a hug. Our sweet and confused friend gives him a half-hearted squeeze before retreating to the pool table. He was gross, it was weird. They sucked. The end. 7. Miss - Snow days. Definitely not a thing here. Especially if you don't own a car. I was super jealous of the huge snow storm all you east coasters got. Shut up about being bored, you got a week of Netflix and chill. I also just discovered adult coloring pages and bought a beautiful set of 50 colored pencils that I have yet to break out, so yeah, tell me again how bad those days off were. 8. Don't Miss - Salt. Koreans are so afraid to over-do it on the salt. Not always the case, but quite often we find ourselves faced with a bland meal, wishing that salt and pepper could be swapped for the very pickled pickles and cabbage. 9. Miss - Reese's cups. We ran out. Send more please and I'll send you back the weirdest Korean products I can find. 10. Don't Miss - Modesty in public bathing areas. This one probably sounds weird. Considering how conservative Korean society is about exposed skin, it's interesting how nudity is totally acceptable in places like the gym locker rooms and Jimjibangs (spas that you purposefully go to to get naked and sit in hot tubs and saunas). You do all this, of course, surrounded only by those of the same sex. It's definitely made me recognize how modest American women can be in "public" places where it is actually totally ok to be unclothed. I've also realized how embarrassed I can be about my body. I was a little nervous trying out the sauna at my gym the first time, expecting to stand out with my tall, pale, out-of-shape waygook body. But when I walked in, I was greeted by am older Korean lady, sitting cross legged on the floor, all of her lady bits on display, who smiled at me congenially. "Welcome," she said, in English. I smiled back, absorbing the warmth of her welcome and that of the sauna. I uncrossed my arms and relaxed, we were just some naked ladies hanging out together, and there's nothing wrong with naked ladies, right? |
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